12/20/06

12/20/06, 12/20/06...how many times did I write that today? So much paper work! The Crash...what did I do? It was a normal day waking up. I was tired, turned off my alarm and fell back asleep. I didnt make coffee at home but that is no longer that unusual. I always get more sleep instead. I got up and threw some work cloths on and then had some breakfast because Evan was late. It was a normal day...then on the way to work Evan and I exchanged conversation about the movies we had watched the night before. Crash is such a good movie and I could not stop thinking about how intense it had been for me. The amazing character development, and the great moving plot. What I did not realize as I ranted about this good movie that Evan had to see, was how ironic it would turn out to be that I had watched such a movie the night before.
I got to work and filled my coffee cup. I began to warm up my car and do my rutine get ready for work stuff. antisipation was killing me to get out and begin to work on the lights. I knew I would be spending a long day in the Library where everything seemed to go wrong. Now as I sit here in the Library...I think to my self how much I just want to be in a book. How I dont want anything to be real anymore. I want to get away...just get lost in another world tell things get better. I am getting ready for break, my 10 o'clock break. I get to a stoping point in the Library and move out to my truck. I pack up to unload the whole box of t8 bulbs that I have changed out of the Library already in just 2 hours work and I get in the truck. I turn the truck on, it everything was normal. The heat kicked on and licked my face as my hands felt the heat sucked out of them from the ice cold steering wheel. The regular shaking of the car commensed and the car was read for take off. I grabed the stick on the steering column and pulled it to the Drive gear. I eased on the gas as I always did on the Chevy's sticky gas peddal to drive the truck off the cub in which I was parked. The cool air whiped throught every little crack in the S10 as I drove it down the street, cars parked on every side. I reached the corner to Bawman Auditorium and the Post Office and it was there that I went around the corner a little to fast. I dont like to use brakes I admit. Normally this is not an issue, little did I know it would become my fate.
I as reached down to grab the clipboard that was now sliding out of control accross the seat and watched as my coffee which I had hardly touched spilled into the seat of the truck I looked up to see how I needed to steer my car. With horror I slamed on my brakes sending the truck jummping into the Black SUV that stood before me. At only 15 mph there were no screetching brakes and very little noise as the truck ripped on the paint on the side of the SUV. The large black truck then through me off as I hit its wheel and right into a little red car. With the impact of the little red car the back windshield shattered in the truck sending tiny glass particles trickling down my back. At this time I was able to get control of the bucking bronco of a truck and swerve out of any more harm. I put the car in park turned off the key throughing it on the seat and muttered to my self..."Fuck...oh shit...fuckin a" What had I done? What the fuck had I done? I just let myself get distracted keeping the car turning for these other two cars and now I had run a work truck into 2 innocent bystanders. I ran inside to the Post Office. No one had heard or even seen the acciedent. I told them what had happened and they gave me the number to call the Plant.
After diving the truck back to the plant and gettin all the information I needed to to the paper work I cleaned up the mess that was now on the street. I then filled out paper work for what seemed like hours. It was a long time, though I am not sure how long. I do like filling out paper work though. It is a good thing too. I talked the driver of the SUV. She was dissapointed but not upset. She just felt bad for me. The driver of the little red car was a little red head sutdent and she did not care that much. The college was gonna give her money to fix up her car that she would prolly use for something else other then her junky ol' car.
I did all the things that I needed to do. I worked for hours to make sure that things were in order. My supervisor and I talked and everything seemed fine. If anything the people working around me just felt sorry for me. They did not know what to think. This is my life now. I just want to get away.
As I sit here and work. My mind is lost...I am confused. I hate myslef. Earlier though I was changing a light...it seemed in all ways to be a bad ballast, but I changed it anyways. That light came on and shone brightly lighting up volumes and volumes of books. That light taught me a lesson. There is always hope. God's light will always prevail.
Though I do not know what my mom will say. I might just move out of the house if she gets mad enough. Though I do not know if I will be able to afford my car anymore. I know that God is good. He has provided in the past and I know that he will provide now. I am tired and I just need a hug. I think I might break down and cry at sometime today...the tears are welling up inside of me just waiting to get loose. Just never forget my friend...God always wins in the end.

Lost in the abyss...

[Non-Stop Party Now - Girl Talk]

Swimming in an abyss of late night conversation online and a inductive studies, I can see that the end is not near at all. This is going to be a late night. Though it is already morning technically. My guess is 4 30 or 5 tell this young body will rest at last on the pillow and be satisfied, but the pleasure of sleep will be short lived. I will awake again at 8 or 8 30 so as to eat a good breakfast and study for the test that i am ill prepared for.
What has college done for me? Well thus far it has given me a good strong Christian foundation that was lacking before I attended this fine University. It has opened my musical eyes even farther. For this I am very happy. I have seen myself learn the power of procrastination and further learn in what situations I am best motivated. I am learning my study habits and how I learn, if this is any use. I have read great works and taken an interest in the great minds of the past. What makes the world go round I wonder?
At this ludicrous hour I wonder...I wonder...or does my mind stop working.
Endless bible passages flood the gates of hell. Tomorrow will come early and hard. By the end of my shift changing light bulbs, I will most definitely be ready to hit the sack for a long nap. I might have to skip this meal that normal humans call dinner, I no longer follow the same schedule. But what makes a genius? Is it a matter of information retaliation? That is what it seems to be portrayed as. Maybe this is just what the evil world of brainwashing teachers wants us to believe.
The mass education system...what a joke. Sometimes I wonder why I even follow this bullshit, I mean...I guess that I do learn. There is a wealth of knowledge in this place, but it could be so much better used then in this ridiculous from of teaching that they call education. The only thing that is keeping me sane right now is that I can run when I need too. I can break off whenever...and thank God I am no longer under the control of my parents.
What a crazy mess that we are in...each his own problems...thank the Lord that God is good. I only hope to someday have the faith to say that with strong Certainty. God bless your day...and God help me the rest of this evening. If only I would learn my lesson...what good does that do for me though? I will only be forced to learn one even harder next, the world is all lessons and truths being reviled. How far will you make it...how far will you push?

Im Bad...Im Bad...You know it!

[Dirty Diana - Michael Jackson]
Surrounded by intellectuals and lazy fucks, this is the world that I live in. There appears to be little of a happy medium. Rather you are in or you are out...you care about your schooling, or you don't. Whatever happened to the days in High School when nothing really mattered. There was this form...a many consecutive pages that I filled out this morning at 8am after a winning risk game with some of my peers and getting to bed at 2:30am. This is what they call a final here in college. It is not just another test, it is not just another tack on to your grade...it was 20% of my grade. Now, dont get me wrong. I think I did very well, but this is such bad timing to have 20% of your grade to lean on 2 hours. "It dont matter if your black or white..." I have given up caring about school at this point. I am tired and warn out. I am sick of the endless information being jammed into my head that is seemingly pointless. Why do I need to know such things? Why do I need to be the smart college student who gets the scholarships? Is there a reason that college students are so highly esteemed? I would say that they no longer are. What would Emerson think about Education? Well that is the very thing that I am trying to find out. For the essay that I am writing that is. I cannot wait until next year when the classes get harder so that I wont slack off so much, and they will be in my major, so as to motivate me more. Even the Business class got boring after a while, it was nothing but an in depth review of economics in high school. Though it had a lot of pointless yet confusing content as well. Ah the Killers...maybe I will get something done yet. What a man needs is some good music. The key to the will of a human. The heart and even the soul can be unlocked by such a Cacophony. Well...just as Jenny was a friend of mine, I need some caffeine. Then I shall learn the secrets that Emerson has in store for me. What a great mind. If only I had been blessed with such a rebellious and beautiful thing in my head.

Freshman Comp

[Control - Mute Math]
The brown liquid pours from the sky, steaming like fresh water poured on the burner in a sauna. The coffee hits my taste buds and explodes with flavor. The sweet caramel mixes with the bitter taste of the espresso sending my brain to a new heaven. I know that when the caffeine pulses through my body that I will be able to continue my endless work on essays.
How much can one write in an evening? My brain has turned to the warm gooey center of a cow pie and has begun to enter stand by. The materials that make up my body are shutting down as my body screams...don't wake me, I plan on sleeping in.
Its like a race though, I have to press on. Though I say yes...my body says no.
I think I might be addicted to caffeine, but I can't even spell the word properly. How much did I have yesterday, like a 2 leter of MD after working at the hell hole most commonly known as Papa Murphy's. I then proceed to order a quad mocha, which is too sweet for my taste. I ask for more coffee in it to curve the massive taste of caramel that begins to churn my innards. I get 2 more shots added to my coffee making it a 6 shot cup...wow that is a lot. Who knows how many college students are addicted to caffeine though?

I just NEED to do finish writing my essays so that I can sleep good the next few nights before the weekend. What a novel idea...I miss my girl friend.

December

So I shaved because No Shave November is over. Finals are in 10 days and the hw is getting hectic. However...Its nice to be getting Christmas gifts again and busting out the Christmas lights. Peace to all y-all